Happy Alone in a World Full of Players

I was sick last week. Every morning I could not talk on the phone without holding my throat, because it was raw and painful. For a girl who is not used to taking any prescription drugs, the codine and clarinex were so strong, my fair-skinned face broke out slightly on one cheek as a reaction. (I think it was a reaction; I don't know. My stomach hurt, and I figured something internal triggered the little acne places, which cleared up in about three days. Point is, I did not look like a picture of beauty holding my throat while speaking with my face broken out on one side.) I thought to myself, "What if I had some husband with me who was the 'player' type, on a week like this?" I was so thankful to be single while sick last week and not married to the type of man who would be off flirting with other women when I am not so fun to be around, on days when I don't look beautiful.

I don't think I have met one womanizer in all my life who has not liked me. These men are not immune to church. Some of my worst experiences with players have been with so-called Christians. Here are my tips for not being impressed with impressive people until I learn their character:

Tip #1: Don't rely on Google searches to know someone; don't rely on accomplishments
Tip #2: No kissing for 3 months while getting to know someone
Tip #3: Don't let any of the compliments touch my heart until I know someone's character, because "players" only play.

As the years have passed, I have learned to take care of myself just fine-- pay my own bills, take myself out to dinners and artistic outings and be comfortable and at peace alone. I have learned to enjoy long walks by myself with a lot on my mind. Most of all, I have experienced God truly making me happy as He gives me intense, spiritual joy from learning more about Him through His precious Word. I have cried tears of thanksgiving after telling people how to be saved in satanic places like Venice Beach where people have never read the Bible before or ever heard the Gospel, just to know God would let me represent Him to the people. I sure do know about a deep happiness within, coming only from worshiping my God and serving the One who made me to love Him.

This feeling of honor and no shame comes through the Holy Spirit, not the rush of deceivers. In order to be happy as a single person and at peace, I choose to stay away from liars altogether. I can't try to help them, because they will only bring me down. I have been reminded yet again recently, that my job is not to "help" a man change his character. Only God can do that. I need a man who is healthy enough to be there for me.

One verse has guarded my life as I have lived according to it:

"I do not sit with deceivers, nor will I go with pretenders...and I will not sit with the wicked." Psalm 26. I memorized the whole entire chapter around age 25, living in NYC for the first time, after I was hurt from yet another player.

There have been way too many womanizers who have crossed my path, and I have learned that I cannot lead an honest life walking with them. With all of their charm, they are too weak to know how to love. THE KEY IN RESISTING someone of this character is to be so at ease and comfortable with ourselves as women that we don't need their compliments.

When I was in my early 20s, I was pretty, but I really did not feel pretty most of the time. Some guy would come along and tell me I was pretty, and it was as if I felt validated all of a sudden, like I was only worth what others saw in me. I was smart, but I didn't feel smart. I needed someone to make me feel better about myself. I dated charming men who made me feel high and took me away from a valley of insecurities within. And when they hurt me, it really, really hurt, because I needed them to love me so desperately.

Over time, God has made me become very secure in who I am. Maybe being misunderstood along the way has aided in getting me to this place. Through obedience to the Bible, I have found myself becoming more confident in who I am. I no longer pray for God to send me the "right one" for marriage, just for God to keep the deceivers away from me. I am happy as a single person, on days when I am all alone and on days when I am surrounded by people. The enemy of my soul is called the "great deceiver," and my prayer is that Jesus will keep all of the deceiving spirits far away, to grant me a life lived in the freedom of purity for His name's sake.

Why have I never been married? Because there is a paucity of impressive men with good character in this world and far too many players.

"Godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment." 1 Timothy 6:6

If I ever get married, it will be to a "one-woman man." Thankfully, I don't have to settle for less to fill up an empty heart. Over time, God has filled up my heart, and I don't feel empty anymore.