Adam: The Healing of a Transsexual

From Adam:

This testimony is about the healing of a transsexual. When writing this testimony, I have tried to be completely honest, not hiding the depths of my sin and brokenness, so that you can see just how merciful and gracious God has been to me.

Early Years

From a very young age, I desperately yearned to be a girl. I would often dream of being a girl. Whenever I was asked to make a wish, I would secretly wish that I would wake up the next morning as a girl. Sometimes I would even pray to God, asking Him to change me into a girl. By the time I was a teenager, I was literally spending hours each day, day-dreaming about being a woman. I grew my hair long, started wearing make-up, and experimented with cross-dressing. I also idolised several girls at school, following them around, watching them and imitating their mannerisms.

I was also aware that something was terribly wrong with me inside. I felt lonely, sad, vulnerable and anxious almost all of the time. Not only that, but I was very confused about my sexuality. I found some women very attractive, but I also had a strange fascination with male genitals. I would therefore frequently fantasise about women that had male genitals. This was incredibly shameful. I felt dirty and humiliated, and sometimes I hated myself, thinking that I was doomed to be nothing but a "sick wierdo". (Believe it or not, there are now entire web sites that are devoted to this particular sexual perversion. That is how far the world has fallen.)

This all came to a head when I was sixteen. I announced to my mother and my friends that I wanted a sex-change. I soon ended up referred to a charitable organisation specialising in gender identity issues, in order for an assessment to be made as to whether I was a suitable candidate for eventual surgery.

The Roots of Transsexuality

What were the roots of my transsexuality? After reading, praying and talking to others about this, I have come to the conclusion that it can be put down to four things:

1. I had (and still have) a very gentle and sensitive personality, not at all like the stereotypical male. I loved things like music, flowers, reading fairy-tales and playing with skipping ropes, rather than rough sports like football, or mechanical things like cars and motorbikes.

2. Something prevented me from bonding properly with my mother in my earliest years. I remember several occasions when I desperately wanted her to hug me and comfort me, but for some reason she wouldn't.

3. I experienced nothing but rejection and abuse from men throughout my childhood. My own father, who was a rough, "macho" type, couldn't stand me and abused me both physically and verbally. A male teacher at primary school took a dislike to me and regularly smacked me for no reason. I was also mugged, attacked and molested by several men during my childhood and teens. My heart was shattered into pieces.

4. Like all fallen human beings, I have a sinful nature! I was a proud, bitter and ungrateful person. I was full of hate and contempt for men, envy toward women, and lust toward both. Instead of admitting my deep woundedness and brokenness, I devised my own sinful ways of coping. The Bible says that people dig "broken wells", instead of turning to God, who is the source of living water (Jer 2:13).

God Intervenes

Now for the good news: God would not let me live without Him! He pursued me in the most remarkable way, using dreams, friends, relatives and a series of apparently random encounters with Christians. At the age of eighteen, I couldn't deny Him any longer and gave my life to Him.

Soon afterward, God started to make me aware that a transsexual lifestyle was not what He wanted for me (see for example Deut 22:5, 1 Cor 6: 9-11, 1 Cor 11:14). I resisted this truth for several years and secretly wondered if God had somehow "made a mistake". Eventually, however, I could not deny the Lord's insistence on this point. In any case, I couldn't deny the dreadful pain within.

There then began a long journey, lasting several more years, in which God gently and patiently convicted, delivered, healed and cleansed me. I had to do a lot of confessing, repenting, forgiving and receiving forgiveness. I also had to allow all of my grief and anguish to surface in God's presence, trusting in Him alone for healing. Amazingly, He began to bless me abundantly, filling me to overflowing with His love, joy and peace!

I am now happily married, happy to be a man, and heterosexual. It is true that, every so often, I am tempted to be envious of certain women, but I now recognise it for what it is: a temptation. By God's grace I am now able to simply ignore it and carry on with life.

Conclusion

I can personally testify that the Word of God has the power to renew our minds, and the Blood of Christ has the power to cleanse and heal our hearts. There is no sin that the Lord cannot forgive, no wound that He cannot heal.

If you are struggling with gender identity confusion yourself, and you know deep down that the Lord is calling you to accept the sex that you were born with, I encourage you to put your full trust in the Lord, obey Him wholeheartedly, and wait patiently for His wonderful healing. It may take several years, but it will be worth it. (2 Cor 4:17: "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all".)

One last thing: God can turn our weaknesses into strengths. He has used my qualities of being gentle and sensitive to minister encouragement and comfort to others. He has used my love of beauty, and my musical talents, to minister to Him and the church in worship. He is so faithful and true!